ethical ditching

Due to the lack of blog popularity we maintain here at Advice al Amore I have personally received zero questions from current, or perspective daters. To remedy this situation I have turned to the one person I know who needs my dating advice the most. Myself. Surprised? I know, right? I give the greatest advice, and yet I'm still single and dateless. I don't understand it either. Maybe the question that I found in my brain today will give everyone reading a small glimpse into the world of me, and the reason I give the advice, instead of live the advice. I asked myself, I said:

Dear Self,

You usually find yourself on dates , where the only thing on your mind is all the other places you'd rather be. Most likely you'd rather be watching 10 p.m. reruns, than stuck in a one-on-one situation with whomever. You envision yourself running towards the nearest exit to recover whatever solitary peace of mind you have left. You have never left a date early, but you imagine there are circumstances that would condone such an action. On what conditions, if any, are you allowed to politely ask to be excused to the restroom, and never return?

So, in response to myself I have come up with a list of actions, red-flags, and words that, if used, justify me leaving in a swiftly manner. The things listed below will excuse me from suffering through pointless dating in the future. For future reference, I will be keeping a copy in my wallet. I encourage you to do the same.

• An age difference of 9 or more years presents itself.
  
• There's a 50% chance you saw him slip something into your drink
  
• Is that eyeliner?... no, it can't be... but... yes, it is.
  
• You're pretty sure there is an attempt to play footsies going on under the table.
  
• He brings up his Yugioh card - scratch that, any kind of card, collection.
  
• Two words: miniature golfing.
  
• His last name rhymes with your first name.
  
• Something tells you that you've met him once before... possibly at a family reunion.
  
• "I'm looking for someone with a little more... marriage potential."
  
• He uses the word "panties" in any form, in any sentence, in any way.
  

(Most of these situations apply to first dates, but there are a few that can also apply to as far in as the 4th date. A guy may seem perfectly normal, and then he'll show up on your 4th date wearing eyeliner. Run.)

<3,
Taren